How does it all go wrong?

Last night I was awakened by a man and a woman screaming at each other two houses down. I had my upstairs bedroom window open, and with the expanse of quiet lake outstretched in my backyard, I could hear every word. It sounded like a perhaps drunken argument about the man's infidelities. I just wanted them to shut the hell up so I could go back to sleep. I thought about stepping outside and yelling that at them. But I knew that would just give them an opportunity to direct their anger at me. I listened, hoping they might quickly make nice and indeed, shut the hell up. But after about 30 seconds I knew this argument would only escalate. I was awakened by the woman screaming a string of obscenities at a rather quiet man; after a minute or two, the man started yelling threats.

So, I turned on the light, found the phone book in the pile of books on either side of my bed, and I called the cops. They took my name and number, which made me a little nervous that I'd get located as the narc, but fuck it. By the time I made the phone call, I knew somebody might end up dead. And by the time the police arrived, the woman was pleading with the man. "I can't breathe, get off me!" The man responded by ordering her to breathe. She was crying and screaming. Then the cops announced their arrival and yelled at him to get off her.

Meanwhile, I'm lying in my bed with my heart racing, knowing that I might have saved that woman's life by calling the cops.

Sometimes it's a tough call--figuring out when to step in during someone else's fight. Hasn't everyone who has lived in an apartment--on top and beneath others--had to face this question? Hell, I went walking in the woods near my house last week and I came upon a man and woman on the path. She stood with her arms crossed and head down. He towered above her, shaking his finger at her and admonishing her for something. I wanted to tell him to knock it off. The remote location, the body language, all seemed dangerous to me. But I just walked by, looping back around to listen if things had gotten worse. I couldn't find them again.

I could have clipped him at the knees, yelled at him, questioned them both about what was going on. Why didn't I? Well, I couldn't hear what they were saying. He had clearly placed himself in a self-righteous stance above her. Could it have been for good reason? Doubtful, but possible. I tend to believe no one has reason for arrogance or self-righteousness, but maybe she really fucked up. But does any adult have the right to treat another adult that way?

Still, it didn't seem like my place to step in. Should I have? What should I have done? It took me off guard. And I worried for my own safety. I usually am, but mostly I'm on the lookout for deer--I nearly got trampled by a family of four white-tailed deer racing across the trail after being spooked by the ice-cream man and his incessantly playing "Pop Goes the Weasel."

I have no regrets about calling the cops last night. I heard one of the officers talking to the woman about what had gone on. It sounds like she threw a beer bottle at the guy during some point in the argument. The cop tried to explain to her what a bad idea that was--that egging on a drunk dude is asking for trouble. She raised her voice at the cop and asked if he thought that made it okay for the dude to sit on her chest, or whatever the hell he was doing. The cop said no, but again, tried to explain what part she played in the altercation and how not to get into that situation again.

This is an old, complicated tactic, I think. After working in rape crisis, I bought the line that rape isn't about sex, it's about violence. Yes, but it also uses sex as violence. Getting raped is different than getting smacked around. Different effect, different intent. Both horrible. But I've also heard well-intentioned people trying to explain to women how to dress or not dress, behave or not behave, to fend off rape. Well, that gets a little murkier for me. Yes, women need to be taught to be smart, to not go home with strangers thinking they might just cuddle, to trust their instincts more than they trust what men say to get them into bed when they don't want to go there. But women don't make men rape them. Period.

Should women be able to behave any way they want? Showing up in the middle of the night wearing tight little red dresses, throwing beer bottles, screaming obscenities, making accusations and still remain safe? Yes. But do they? Often, no. So should we all be taught to be accountable for our actions? Absolutely. But what this actually means is where things get really tricky. In this state, the law says a person is incapable of giving consent to sex while intoxicated. So when a couple gets shitfaced and then fucks, who is the perpetrator?

A few weeks ago the Sunday NYT magazine ran a cover story about contraception--about fundamentalist rejection of contraception and its relationship to abortion. It was an incredibly well done piece--deeply historical and complex. I had my students read it and discussion went like this: the women in class had a lot to say; the men mostly remained silent. Then, one female student raised the idea that heterosexual sex is implicitly rape. Good God! I've read all the theory behind it, I get it, but is there any quicker way to shut up a bunch of smart, scared man-boys in a classroom discussion?

This is my problem with the direction the women's movement has taken on college campuses: victimization. Sanctioned victimhood leads to divisiveness full stop. Led by women who have felt like victims their whole lives, young women realize how they've been victimized, and they all get together as a bunch of victims feeling sorry for themselves and angry at a nebulous other. Can someone tell me how this is progress? What about recognizing oppression and then doing what it takes to overturn it, to fight against it, to live with dignity in the face of it? That should look very different than victimization.

But so now what? How does a person keep herself safe yet remain open to deep, abiding love? One must make allow oneself to be vulnerable in order to reap life's greatest rewards. But how do we do that and remain safe? Rely on the kindness of strangers, on caring (and tired, pissed-off) neighbors to call the cops? Rely on the cops to teach us personal accountability?

Where do we go from here?