I've been thinking a lot lately about this abstract term, this most destructive of human emotions. I've also been thinking about destruction v. creation, and why destructive forces seem to carry so much more weight than creative forces, but that's a topic for another post.
Back to jealousy. It is, by definition, a desire for something one doesn't believe one possesses, right? Its meaning has some variation; it can also mean an intolerance for disloyalty, but doesn't that also presume a suspicion that someone you believe should be giving him or herself to you is not doing so?
As a kid I remember witnessing (and being somewhat baffled by) a conversation between two mothers (one who had recently endured a divorce, and one who was married) in which they argued bitterly about jealousy. Mother 1 staunchly defended her position that love knows no jealousy; that if you truly love someone, you do not behave jealously toward them, full stop. Mother 2 got physically agitated at this suggestion, and pretty much told M1 she had no idea what she was talking about. I think she might have said that M1 had obviously never been cheated on and that's why she felt she could justify her naive position.
I tend to agree with M1. And I have been cheated on. It rattled me to my core and made me physically sick. It might have even made me desire the two-timing object of my affection with greater intensity for a time. But I don't think I ever believed that he rightfully belonged to me. People do not, cannot, should not, possess each other. In the meantime, I doubted myself and looked toward outward affirmation (from said object) to bring me back to my center, but that never works.
And yet, I have been jealous. I'm not proud to admit I've experienced such a thing, but when I have, it has been out of my own insecurity, my own belief that I could not or did not have something someone else did even though I had a right to it. Destructive.
But what I now know is this: jealousy is the shadow at work. From the time I was 8 years old and thought another girl was prettier than I was to the times I've thought someone received accolades for work that I though wasn't as good as mine, each painful ripple of jealously has been an opportunity for me to see what is inside me. The people I've been jealous of have represented parts of myself I haven't yet fully acknowledged. If I despise Suzy because I think she's prettier than I am, well it means I haven't fully embodied my own beauty. If Becky pisses me off because her writing is better than mine, it may mean I don't give myself credit for the work I've done. I believe that only when I see these things in myself will I become whole. Repressing that shadow takes a whole lot of energy; elucidating it frees up creative energy.
It sure ain't easy, and I am nowhere near evolved in this area, but I'm learning. I'm also learning from people who are jealous of me. It's preposterous, but it happens. It's easier for me to turn this theory on them: they only feel that way about me because they don't see in themselves whatever it is that I represent to them. Jealousy directed at me terrifies me, but I'm learning to transform that terror into compassion.
My suspicion is that M1 was correct in her assessment: love knows no jealousy. And if we all aim to fully love ourselves, to embody our perfect natures with all their radiant flaws, then ultimately we can eradicate jealousy.
What do you think?
. . . for her life. But no destination in mind other than that.
About Me
- divine m
- I am a gay cowboy in a girl suit.
4 comments:
Lots of questions, and I've got few answers. For me, when I look back at the times I've been jealous, it's been because of relationships -- mostly friendships. As some friendships started to fade, I found myself getting more torn up and angry that these people weren't giving what I preceived as the same amount of affection/loyalty that I was giving them.
I guess that for me, jealously at times was more of a fear and insecurity -- the fear of losing a friendship or a certain status in a group. If we feel secure and centered, then jealous feelings don't really occur.
Damn. Now I'm thinking about Yoda -- "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to the dark side." I'd argue that jealousy kind of fits in that phrase too.
Viv: I've experienced jealousy almost exclusively in friendships, too. I think it can be instructive there especially. Sometimes when you're not getting reciprocity, it's time to move on. Love yourself enough to ask of others what you send out. . . .
Thanks, Yoda.
I'm impressed with the thought that has been put into this subject of jealousy. I think most of us experience jealousy in relationships because relationships take work and compassion and understanding and respect and acceptance, etc, etc. But I think that jealousy can also sometimes simply be wanting what's in the other one's pasture only because you don't have it. It's all relative but the good thing is that awareness is the best defense and you girls are really good at this. You can only keep growing. keep doing that and reflect that growth to others and the world will be a better place.
smh: I disagree about wanting something only because you don't have it. I think that if you're jealous, you actually do have that thing you want and think you don't have, but you just haven't yet realized or recognized it.
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