Already--and it's just 10 a.m. in these parts--I'm weepy and reconsidering the way I think about the nature of art. All thanks to taking in CBS Sunday Morning and the New York Times, my weekly Sunday ritual. Thanks to Bill Flanagan, God love him, I've also downloaded two new albums from itunes. I've never bothered to figure out how to steal music, so I continue to buy it. I hope the artists--and not just Steve Jobs--get the money.
Which brings me to my latest dilemma: what does it cost to be an artist? Is it worth giving up security, stability, to chase a dream? How much faith and trust does it take?
Van Gogh sold one painting during his lifetime. Was it worth it? How do we define a good life? Would Van Gogh have had a better life if he'd trained to be an accountant? Would he have suffered less? Would he have been more comfortable?
Or for a person who is driven to create, is a life that denies them opportunity to create the equivalent of a death sentence? Selling themselves one day at a time, allowing the world to suck the living life out of them all in the name of a paycheck, a hot meal, the warding off of frostbite?
I am not a member of that privileged class of artists who can rely on a trust fund or a wealthy family as a safety net, so for me to turn down a position that doubles my salary and more or less guarantees a fast track in the most stable industry around is no small thing. Especially considering the amount of debt I'm in.
But what is more important: a debt-, frostbite-, hunger-free existence or doing what I love? I think denying my calling would create a deeper hunger in me that no amount of money or what it can buy could satisfy.
And what of truth and beauty? What does being a high-level college administrator have to do with that? So I could walk around in Ferragamos and get my hair done every week and furnish my home with antiques and drive a shinier car . . . and perhaps the education of others has something to do with beauty and truth--but whose?
What is it worth?
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2 comments:
Oh, hon. Think of it as an affirmation, and a test. An affirmation, because you know you thought for a while they really didn't appreciate the work you're doing. Now, you know they do, enough to want to double your salary and keep you in one spot, cushy and struggle-free. A test...perhaps you needed an offer like this to remind you of just how much you love what you do and where you are, right now, struggles-and-all. Nah, I think you know what you want anyway, but hey.
So sorry you lost 6000 words of manuscript. You'll bring them back, more powerful than before, I know. I can't wait to read it.
Hope you are well as always, love you tons, and appreciate your friendship more than I am able to say!
Yeah, what they said. Only you can determine the meaning of a life well-lived for you.
Although part of me wonders why you can't have to the money AND do what you love.
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