Reciprocity

Yesterday I was in a foul mood. Not in the morning, but by afternoon I was downright grumpy. I’m not entirely sure what it was about. I should have been delighted: I had a great session with my therapist; the sun shone all day; I worked out for more than an hour. I did fail to eat anything of substance at noon, and I think that made my blood sugar crash; I did stir up some old pains in therapy; and I got ditched by the same friend for the third time. It’s that last one that really gets me, I think.

You know, it sucks to feel used.

And that’s one of the things I talked about with P, my therapist. I’ve reached a point in my life in which I’m demanding reciprocity from the people I spend time with. I’ve got the kind of loyalty and ability to give of myself that won’t quit; but if you’re not going to meet me in the middle, I’m not going to knock myself out.

Finally, I think I’ve learned this lesson.

And that’s why the situation with my student feels so huge: he accepted my invitation to go to that place he’d never gone before. In the past, I’ve invested a lot of time and heart into inviting people who just won’t go there. I’m already there most of the time. And really, I’m more than fine there alone. In fact, since I was a wee lass, I’ve been happier to be alone than waste my time and energy with people who are boring or not engaging or who suck the living life out of me. I’ve always been very particular about whom I spend my time with and whom I invite along for the ride. So, it’s disappointing when someone I invite blows me off. And sometimes it takes me years to see it. Oy.

But since I walked the labyrinth at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco on my birthday, I’ve had tremendous clarity. I feel that I’m entering a new phase of my life in a huge way. I'm ready.