Sexy.

I can say without hesitation that last night I was sexier than I've ever been. And yes, I'm working out and I was decked out in some of my finest (showcasing my finest assets--tits and legs); but I've looked good before. Here's the difference: I said to myself, "I am a sexy, vibrant woman and I don't need to pretend that I'm not."

You see, as a young, single woman professor, I can be a volatile presence on a small campus. Actually, an independent, sensual woman with a powerful sense of herself can disrupt just about any stodgy culture by her mere presence. But anyway, I felt some pressure to be smaller, to hide what might incite reaction. But as my beloved Dubliners say, "Fuh dat."

And this is my lesson: to fully inhabit my body, to enter my largesse, to stay connected to my center. Since I was a kid growing up in a bar, I learned quickly from the drunks who hit on the 11-year-old me to fear the unsolicited reactions my body elicited. But I can protect that scared little girl now.

My poet friend Marie taught me something about myself the day we met. I met her on assignment--I was interviewing her for a profile piece. At the end of the interview she said to me, "Well, you're not afraid of the world." That is what she saw in me after one hour of conversation.

She was right.

And the more I return to the journals I kept 10 years (and more) ago, the more I see that I am who I always was. But more so.

I am not afraid of the world.

But it's good to remember who I am through whom I've been. A five-year relationship with a man who feared his own capacity to love and be loved did not silence my voice, as I thought and felt. I chose to listen to him instead of singing my song for a while. But today I choose me.

"One of these mornings you're gonna rise up singing--spread your wings and take to the sky."

It's summertime this winter for me.

But I'm being challenged and I'm grateful. At the same time that I'm reclaiming my voice and putting it out there, I find myself in a group of egos that try to squash me. Actually there's one leader of a small faction of poisonous peeps within the larger group. I'm learning not to react, not to fear them and to find compassion for their small pettiness. It's their own insecurity that drives them and draws them to each other.

They have no power here.

Like Da said, "Now you know how to identify the little people. Everytime you see them, just put black Xs over their faces and keep smiling."

Great advice.