Hit another party last night, but thank God it was a children's birthday party. I managed to overdo it on hors d'oevres but stuck to diet pepsi. It took me until 4 p.m. to feel human again. That, and I watched "Broken Flowers" and "Millions", had a nap and ate a pizza (an organic, cheese-less one, c'mon!).
I had to cram my usual Sunday ritual--news reading, shopping and cooking for the week, cleaning and laundry into the last two hours of the day. It worked, but I'd rather spread it out over the course of a day.
I've been feeling oddly needy and vulnerable lately, but I think that's part of being honest and putting yourself out there. Allowing people to see who you really are opens yourself up for judgment, exposure. And I've learned--for better and for worse--that I can't control other people. Whew! Let that responsibility go. . . .
But allowing people to see who you really are means fully entering your own skin and being who you truly are. And that can feel a little weird and a little lonely, especially when you drop the fronts and feel what you feel. There's a lot of grief, brother. A lot of it.
"Fake it 'til you make it" never worked for me, though. So I'll just keep on keeping on, deflecting hatred with love (just like Wonder Woman), suffering with dignity, and sitting by my happy light in the mornings.
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4 comments:
Hi darlin'
You know, I learned through a once dear friend, a long time ago, that trying to control the people around you is a futile, possibly misguided, and often thankless effort. We can never fully know anyone but ourselves, so we can never fully know what's best for anyone but ourselves. Besides, even if you succeed in influencing them and it goes right, they'll take all the credit; if it goes wrong, you'll get all the blame. That ain't beneficial for anybody involved. It's good you're letting that "responsibility" go.
The best you can do is speak your peace and be around to help someone when they fall, and hope they'll do the same for you. And goddamn, if it starts to look like they won't (do the same, that is), cut your losses and run. Self-preservation should always be your first priority.
So take care of yourself. You'll keep doing what you must, finding your truths. People going the same way will fall into step beside you.
"piece." Speak your piece. Dang I'm slow today...
hey, i didn't know you returned to blogging! I also had no idea you were a teacher and a pretty awesome one at that.
well, just saying hello.
da: "To affect the quality of the day is the highest of arts"--H.D. Thoreau. You gave me a gift with that quote on it and I passed it on to a great teacher of mine who's still in my life.
smh: did I miss that movie? But yeah, levity is welcome in my life. . . .
Sid: I like "speak your peace." I think that's exactly what you meant, sweetiepie.
Khandi: Hi back, thanks for the compliment and welcome!
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